Day 3

Today was hard. I sometimes forgot how hard change can be. How easy it is to fall back into the routines we break out of sometimes we don't even realize we are doing it. I keep telling myself I want change I want change I don't want to be the person I was. But the first time something doesn't go the way I think it should or something is said that I don't like I feel myself retreating behind those walls I had so painfully built. How can I  expect God to change my heart if I am not willing for change. How can I say I am someones friend that I love them no matter and yet get angry because they don't have the depth of feelings that I do. Thats like being angry at the sun for not shining. I can't punish or be angry they did nothing wrong and yet here am I ready to change our friendship because I'm hurt. God show me how to be a stronger person a more compassionate friend. Help me to be more humble. That person did not deserve the anger I felt he did nothing wrong but be honest with me and I know that was hard for him. He is going through so much and here I am making it worse instead of being a better friend by just being there for him. God guide me to be a better example to be the kind of friend I would want to have. To not just listen but to hear with both my ears and heart. Help me to not build walls between me and my friends and to show me that its ok to let people in that its not always better to be alone and not be hurt then to be hurt but have a fulfilling life full of friends and loved ones. That not everyone leaves that people don't always walk away

Day 2

It snowed today. It was the first I've seen snow in 3 years. I had forgotten how beautiful it was. It reminds that just because things can get messed up and tangled there is still hope for a new beginning. Growing up I remember dreaming of my Prince Charming that perfect man that God had picked out just for me.  That he would come in and sweep me off my feet we would slow dance in the dark and he would kiss me in the rain. And he would know my heart inside and out. I look back now and I know I still want that perfect person but sometimes we aren't ready for that. God knows my heart he knows what I need in my life and I have to have faith that when the time is right I'll meet that perfect person that he made just for me. I know that I cannot give my heart away to someone who isn't going to treat it like the gift it is. I forgot that and I see now the suffering that I endured made me more cynical then that idealistic girl I once was. Once upon a time I couldn't wait to start a family and to create a home now I don't even know if I want to share a bathroom with someone. I don't want to be that cynical hateful negative person that I've been for so long because not who I am. That was never who I was. I want to be the one who has hope that everything is going to work out. I know that just because I hurt now its a cleansing fire that God is preparing me for something awesome and amazing and that everything that has happened so far is to help me to appreciate everything that is to come. I was working out this morning listening to a song titled " You Are More" and it showed me that I am more I am more then my failure I am more then my faults because Jesus died for me he loved me soo much that he gave his life for me. How amazing is that! I know my heart is hurting and I want so much to be loved and in love that sometimes I forget that there is someone who loved me all along. That Jesus never once stopped he saw when I failed over and over again and he never once judged me even when my own family turned their backs on me he didn't he carried me through those times. He showed me unconditional love and forgiveness. My prayer to him is to show what real love is not the selfish kind with conditions but real love. To let down my walls and allow a person in to see all my faults and quirks and to see them with same. With real love that person doesn't have to be perfect.

day 1 over

Today I found myself wonderinga about my past. Sometimes we look back at the decisions and actions and we hang our head in shame. I know that I didn't always make the best decisions and some of those decisions caused me a great deal of heartache. On the flip side of that I know that because of what I went through I have a better understanding of just what kind of strength I had, And that through all of my triumphs and failures God stood by patiently waiting for me. I know these next few months are going to be hard that they are going to test my faith in both God and myself and all I can do is pray to God for guidance. I lost my self a long time ago I let my faith and my hope and dreams fall by the wayside in pursuit of what felt "nice" at the moment. And now I look around  and there is  no one. I only have myself to blame for the state my life is in and rather then sit here and feel sorry for myself for all the stupid things I've done I shall lean on God's promise that he will give rest to the weary that he will carry me when I cannot walk that whatever is old he will make new again. I think that we forget that at times. We are not the first to fall short the glory of God and we are not the only ones that do. For ALL have sinned and fallen short the glory of God. It is what we do after we realize this is what makes the difference. What good is surrendering something at the alter only to make it to the door just to turn around and pick up what we left. It's time to give things up for good. Sometimes it really does require sacrifice. To burn away the bad to get to the heart of what is good.

day 1

Sometimes in life we find ourselves getting off-track. We don't always see it at first its like a slow fade in to it. We get distracted by other things like work,school, friends,etc. the point is we lose our way. I remember as a teenager I would spend hours in God's presence worshipping him praising him just reveling in his glory. Then somehow that slowly faded away I got busy with work and friends and before I knew it things were soo far gone that I didn't even recognize myself. You would think at that point that I would've stepped back saw what was going on and rectified it. That was not the case it seemed the more I felt God pulling and calling in me the further I ran away from him. SO I have made the decision not to run anymore to surrender to whatever it is he wants of me. Somehow I lost that fire I had as a child and as a teenager now I'm an adult and I haven't felt passionate about anything  that ever burning desire to be so enraptured by something since I was a teenager. So my goal for this next year is to fall face down before God. I've tried to fill my life with so many empty things so much nothingness that even I realize that  there is no substance to my life. I want to stop trying to fill that emptiness in my soul with things like food, alcohol and meaningless relationships. I recongnize that I tend to obsess about things such as food and men and I realize that its not healthy. How can I have a truly healthy and meaningful relationship if I carry around the baggage of my past. Instead of checking all that baggage at the alter I carry it around with me and its toxic it destroys me over and over again. So no more its time to wake up. Its time to give Jesus my past my present and my future. Its time to get healthy both spiritually and physically. Cause lets face it I've let my physical self go to the max. I was so afraid of the emptiness inside me that I ate too much and never bothered to truly get in shape. NO more!! NO More excuses. So this is me being accountable. This is me taking action. This is me ready for the change not for anyone but me.